Some years ago I worked with the MD of a commercial publishing business. I had spent a day facilitating a business planning session with him and his senior management team. At the very end of the day, and apropos of nothing as far as I could see, he did the following:

1. Pushed back his chair onto two legs and opened his own legs, thereby elevating his crotch area to roughly the eye level of his team sitting opposite (I know this sounds unlikely, but he managed it).

2. Held out his arms and made ‘come on’ gestures with his hands (hold arms straight out, palms upwards, and flex fingers repeatedly towards palms – give it a try and you’ll see what I mean), frowned and then said:

“Feedback, now, from you to me. Tell me what you think of me.”

Stunned silence.

3. After the senior management team (sans delivery of feedback) had left, he said to me:

“D’you know. That always happens. Why don’t people ever want to give feedback to their managers?”

What’s the problem?

a) If you’ve managed to visualise the body language from my description, you’ll have noticed some pretty obvious lack of congruence between that body language and the verbal message. Clearly, there’s little point asking for feedback if your body language is screaming ‘don’t tell me, don’t tell me, I don’t want to know.’

b) The ‘what do you think of me’ question is just too tough. With a question like this you are asking for feedback on yourself – your characteristics and personality. The ‘what do you think of me as your manager’ is a little better, but not much. Most people find it difficult to give this type of feedback because it’s just too personal.

So how can I ask for feedback on my management style?

The answer is make it easy (or at least easier) by making the question ‘low risk’. You do this by asking for feedback on your behaviours – what you do, not who you are.

Here’s a really neat way to ask for feedback from your staff:

“I’d really appreciate some feedback on the way I’m managing you. So, is there anything I could do differently that would be helpful to you?”

Not only are you asking here for behavioural feedback, you’re asking for a way forward by asking what they would like to be ‘different’.

And, of course, you’ll be using congruent body language because you’ll be genuinely interested in the response.