My advice is to take control of the ‘coaching process’ – to make it easy for your manager to provide the coaching you need. Here’s some ideas on how to do that.

Define the purpose of the coaching

A start point is to define the purpose of the coaching session i.e.:

• What you need to know or learn
• Why you need to know or learn this

It’s far easier for a manager to respond to a request which specifies what the person needs to know, rather than ‘can you give me some coaching’. It’s also more likely a manager will want to find the time for the coaching when they understand why it’s important.

Here’s an example:

Hi Claire. I wanted to ask you if you would have some time to talk through with me how you have built your network of contacts. I need some help on understanding how to identify contacts and how then to approach those people. I recognise I need to start building a network so that I can promote our business more effectively but I’m not sure where to start. Would you be happy to spend some time talking this through with me? When would be a good time for you?

Use effective questions

What and How questions

Seek to understand what another person does, or would do, in any given situation:

• How did you build your network of contacts?
• What do you do to identify suitable contacts?
• What happens when a person you contact doesn’t seem interested?
• How do you maintain the relationship with contacts you have made?

Why questions

Seek to understand the reasoning or rationale behind the actions the other person has taken or the decisions they have made.

Why questions need to be used with some caution. A questioner who overuses why is running the risk of pushing the other person into being evasive, aggressive or just uncooperative.

A more effective way to access the information or opinion needed is to re-phrase the question using what, how, or when or a statement made in a questioning tone of voice:

Instead of ‘Why did you do that?’ try ‘What’s the main reason you took that approach?’

Instead of ‘Why did you not follow up that contact?’ try ‘What were the reasons for not following up that particular contact?’

Instead of ‘Why do you say that?’ try ‘How does that…?’

Summarising and closing

It is useful at the end of the coaching session to summarise what you have heard, to check that you have fully understood, and to describe what you will now do as a result of the session. And, of course, you will also want to thank the person for their time and input.

Most managers are long on work and short on time. Though most would like to coach their staff more often they find it difficult to make this a priority. This technique is all about making it easy for your manager, or anybody else, to give you the coaching you need.

So what’s going on?

Putting aside the fact that it’s likely that some of our survey participants feel they should be praised for turning up every morning, my view is that managers are sometimes reluctant to give praise because they’ve had experiences of being praised themselves in ways that, frankly, haven’t motivated them at all.

And, of course, they’re not over keen on having the same effect on their staff.

It’s actually quite easy to deliver praise badly – praise that is seen as patronising or manipulative by the recipient. But done well, it’s dynamite.

Here are five ways to do it well.

1. Prepare the praise

It’s interesting that many of the managers I know will spend literally hours preparing to give criticism, but only a matter of minutes (if at all) preparing to give praise.

The result? A passing comment (literally) on the lines of ‘nice job Doug, keep it up.’

Say what? Which job? The whole job? Keep what up? Not only is this type of praise confusing but, by and large, it’s not wildly motivating. Top tip: spend as much time preparing to give praise as you would to give criticism.

2. Be specific

Describe exactly what you are praising and why. Try the following method:

• When you…
• What happened was…
• And the result is…

For example:

“When I showed the client the research you had done on their business she said she was really impressed by the insights you had provided. The result is she wants us to make a proposal for a further piece of business. That’s a really good outcome for us so thank you and well done.”

3. Show genuine interest

Ask questions to better understand what the staff member did. For example, what preparation they did for a successful presentation, how they managed to design such effective visual aids.

Describe how you feel about what they’ve done e.g. pleased, impressed, excited (the hug and kiss might be slightly over doing it).

4. Let the praise stand alone

Don’t be tempted to mix the praise with criticism, for example:

“That was a great presentation. If only your written work was as good.”

Deal with the written work issue at a different time unless, of course, you’re a fan of the tall poppy syndrome.

5. Do it quickly and time it well

Give your praise as soon after the event as possible – it has far more impact.

Be careful not to give the praise at a time when it will appear conditional or a ‘softening up’ process, such as just before you delegate a task or ask for the person to work late.

Public or private?

There’s an old saying ‘praise in public, criticise in private’.

Though I wholeheartedly agree with the latter I’m not totally convinced by the former.

Of course the principle is sound. We want other staff to hear the praise and understand what we are praising because we hope that they will want to emulate those behaviours or achievements. But not everyone is comfortable being singled out in this way and some people find accepting praise in front of their colleagues embarrassing.

My advice would be to deliver the praise in private. You can then ask the staff member if they are happy for you to share the praise with their colleagues – say in the next team meeting – and take it from there.

And a few final tips

If the performance you are praising is exceptional, you will probably want to bring this to the attention of your boss and possibly higher.

If you have a reward system which is credible you may want to utilise this.

In any event, it’s a good idea to follow up your conversation with the staff member in writing (a note will do) and to copy that note to your performance files.

I was recently talking to a manager who was complaining that some of her staff had a tendency to accept work from her which, it later transpired, they did not have the time to do (or at least to the deadline she had set). She just couldn’t understand why her staff didn’t seem to have the ability to say to her ‘no’ or ‘not now’, and she was frustrated by the problems this was causing.

This conversation reminded me of a piece of work a client asked me to undertake, for many of the same reasons as our unhappy manager, which was to train his staff in how to assertively deal with requests.

The following is a summary of the step process I taught his staff and their managers, which they then took on as ‘the way we say no around here’.

Step 1: Ensure you fully understand the request

Ask questions, listen, ask more questions until you are crystal clear on:

• The size and complexity of the task i.e. the level of detail or accuracy needed, how much research needs undertaking, what the ‘end product’ should look like e.g. a two page summary or a full report?
• The deadline – when, specifically, the task needs to be completed (and challenging any ‘asap’ type responses)
• The  importance of the task and deadline

Step 2: Use relevant facts in order to make a decision on whether to accept or decline the request

Such as:

• The time needed to complete the work vs. the time available to meet the deadline
• The time needed to complete work on hand of equal importance
• The relative urgency or importance of other work on hand

Step 3: Assesses the consequence, or cost, of accepting the request as a way of deciding whether to accept or decline

Example:

• The new task would take 2 hours (fact)
• The task I am currently working on will take 4 hours and must be completed by 5pm (fact)
• The task I am currently working on has the highest priority (fact)
• To take on the new task now would mean I would miss the 5pm deadline on the current task (consequence)

Step 4: If you decide to refuse the request, explain that decision to the other party

• Explain that you have a difficulty in meeting the request and why – using the fact
• Explain what the (negative) consequences would be of you accepting the request
• Explain that, therefore, you are unable to accept the request

Step 5: If appropriate, look for some compromise solution

Such as:

• Offering to accept the work – but with a longer deadline
• Offering to accept part of the work
• Offering ideas on how the work could be completed by someone else

Benefits of using the 5 step process

1. With the staff who find it difficult to say ‘no’ or ‘not now’

Sharing this process with your staff gives those who need it both the tools and the permission to say ‘no’ or ‘not now’.

2. With the staff who don’t find it difficult

Of course some staff members have no issue at all with saying ‘no’, and sometimes quite the opposite. The usefulness of sharing the process with these people is that it clearly describes your expectations around how they make the decision to accept or refuse work – based on fact and consequence rather than, say, inflexibility or just not liking the look of the task.

3. When you need the answer to be ‘yes’

Of course it’s all about the dialogue. You, as the manager, may have knowledge of facts and consequences that your staff are unaware of. It could be that their ‘no’ really does need to be a ‘yes’.

The usefulness of the 5 steps, and the dialogue they generate, is the clarity achieved.

The staff member is much less likely to feel ‘dumped on’ or coerced into accepting a task if they have had the opportunity to explain their facts and consequences and if they have had explained to them, in detail, why the new task is a higher priority – based on facts.

We all know what a powerful tool listening is. We know that when people feel listened to they also feel valued, respected and engaged. Yet, I’m often told by the clients I work with that they don’t feel listened to at work.

Of course, there are many barriers to listening effectively.

For example, have you ever found it difficult to listen to someone when:

1. You know the solution to the problem they are talking through?
2. You felt sure you know what they’re going to say next?
3. When you can see they are missing the point?

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of the above, or you know you could listen better some of the time, you could try this simple technique taught to me some years ago by a wonderful man called Alan Mumford.

At the time Alan was coaching me in facilitation skills and talking about how to judge when to speak out (make an intervention) and when to keep quiet. His advice was:

“The first time I feel I want to intervene, I keep quiet. The second time I feel the need, I do the same. If I feel for a third time that I need to say something then, and only then, do I speak up. Very often if I wait until the third time, I won’t need to speak at all.”

Here’s a way of applying this technique in a one to one conversation.

Step One

The first time you want to speak, hold your tongue. If the other person has ‘dried up’ ask a question instead of offering an opinion or solution e.g. ‘Tell me more about…’

Step Two

The second time you want to speak, do the same. If another question isn’t appropriate, try reflecting back what you’ve heard so far and asking the other person to check that you have understood them e.g. ‘So I think what you’re saying is that… Have I got that right?’

Step Three

If you still want to speak then go ahead.

A way to keep the conversation flowing and to help you stay in ‘listening mode’ is to frame your suggestions as questions rather than directions e.g. ‘have you thought about involving your team in this?’ then ‘how do you think you can best do this?’ rather than ‘you need to involve the team and here’s the best way to do it…’

This technique works well in any situation where it’s important to give another person the opportunity to work out a solution for themselves, or when you just want to give someone some good quality ‘air time’. It’s a neat technique, easy to learn, easy to apply, and very effective.

What we want from the people we manage can change on a regular basis. These changes come about when the needs of the business change, the customer requirements change or the way we do business changes. When this happens, our view on what good performance looks like also changes.

Where things become tricky is when the people element of change is lost, when the new expectations of the business aren’t articulated to the people who need to know the most. What we know is that one of the key things that people want from their manager is clarity, especially in times of change.

The challenge, then, is to ensure that on a regular basis we update that view of good performance and then communicate this to our staff.

Here’s a simple three step process that enables you to check that you’re clear on what you want from the people you manage.

Step One

This’ll take you a few minutes of good thinking time, so firstly make yourself a cup of tea, and if you can switch off the phone that would be great.

Then take a blank sheet of paper and write down your answers to the following question:

What do you want from the people you manage?

Stuck? Here are some ideas (taken from a recent workshop):

Now as much as I hate jargon, for the purposes of the rest of the exercise, we need a name for the words or statements you’ve written. Let’s call them attributes.

Step Two

Delete from the list all the attributes that your staff are currently demonstrating consistently and well.

Step Three

Anything left on your list?

These will generally be the attributes that you want and need your staff to demonstrate but which (on the basis they’re not currently demonstrating consistently and well) I’m guessing there’s a lack of clarity about.

Here’s The Practical Application

For each of the attributes left on your list ask yourself the question, ‘have I described this attribute to my staff?’ and if the answer is ‘no’ go on and do that.

Not sure about how to describe attributes?

See my next post Managing by Numbers is Easy – But How Do I Manage Behaviours?